For me, relationships have torn through my life like a tornado on a mission, and it wasn’t until this last relationship, this last disaster, that I realized the mission was a lesson, and the lesson had to be learned before I could have a healthy relationship. My hope for this entry isn’t to bash my ex-boyfriend, but to put the lesson I learned into writing in hopes that the next girl reading this who is ignoring the same message I’ve been ignoring for quite some time, may be able to learn it too, without as much heartache as I’ve endured.
I want to start out by saying, in case somehow my ex-boyfriend reads this, I love you. Thank you for the amazing memories, thank you for teaching me there are still gentlemen out there, thank you for being the light in some of my darkest moments, and thank you for making me a stronger person, and a better woman. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the woman you deserve, I’m sorry we couldn’t work, and I’m sorry for the hurt I brought you. Please understand this entry is a tool for educating others, allow our relationship to assist other men and women in their journey to their soulmate as it has us.
The saying “opposites attract” has a completely different meaning for me. The relationship I most recently exited was with a person who was my opposite, but not in the sense of him hating tomatoes and me loving tomatoes, so it’s perfect because I’ll always eat his tomatoes, but rather in the sense of him being oil and me being water; we could mix but ultimately, we had to separate.
In a healthy relationship, there are two people made up completely of flaws who need to work together. In our case, we were two people made up completely by flaws, with pasts who made up the way we are (in good ways and bad), and we couldn’t figure it out, and that’s okay. It’s okay to fall in love with the idea of a person who will give you the world, and that was the idea he gave me, and I strongly believe he would have. He was the boyfriend I had always wanted: handsome, romantic, loyal, completely obsessed with me. Yet, no matter how picture perfect it all seemed, he himself wasn’t for me, and I not for him.
I fell in love with what he wanted to give me. Unconditional love, unbreakable loyalty, gifts, cute crafts, love notes, and a glimpse into the future I’d always wanted. I fell in love with how much his family loved and accepted me. I fell in love with the idea of having someone to go on adventures with, to have dinners with, to bring me food at work when I was hungry, someone to do for me what the men in the movies did for their ladies. Those gestures were all things that I wanted, that anyone should want, yet there was one thing missing; the personal connection between the two of us between the romantic gestures, the “spark” everyone talks about, the obsessed feeling for him when we were alone doing everyday things. Like a Nicholas Spark movie, so much passion and love on screen, but after the director yells “cut” there’s just two ordinary people who aren’t in love, that go about their lives without the other.
I wanted him to be like the guy I saw in the movies, but I didn’t want to be the girl I saw in the movies for him. I wanted to be spoiled but do none of the spoiling, I wanted him to be obsessed with me, but I wasn’t obsessed with him even thought I wanted to be. I wanted to be in love, I wanted to be with my soulmate, and I wanted to finally settle down, but I couldn’t do it, because I rushed something that shouldn’t have been rushed. That’s happened a lot for me, rushing into relationship, and then slowly watching them fail. I’ve always wanted what I saw in the movies, and in the movies these perfect relationships happen so quickly, but in real life they require a lot more work and take a lot more time to form. From the time he and I started dating and broke up, it took six months. We started dating two weeks after meeting, and at the time I started dating him I knew he was an older man, he was hot, his grandmother was cool, and his uncle played the piano well. Despite those things, I knew nothing about this man, yet I made the ultimate decision to spend the rest of my life with him, crazy right?
It’s normal to want the fairy-tale, and it’s normal to latch onto the first person that offers that to you; however, what isn’t normal is arguing every day, needing to change aspects of your personality/character to save the relationship. In a relationship you should be allowed to be who you are without that interfering with the healthiness of it. You should be allowed express how you feel without the other person turning those feelings into a personal attack, and you should be allowed to ask the person you’re with to communicate in a way you understand, without it being an argument.
Relationships are supposed to be between two people who find and accept each other for exactly who they are, rather than asking the other person to change who they are to fit their needs. There is no timeline on there. There is no rule-book to relationships that say you must find “the one” by a certain age. Take things slow, get to know a person – really get to know them – before you make crucial decisions about the rest of your life. Get to know who they are when they’re angry, when they’re experiencing grief, during a stressful period of their life, when they don’t get their way or how they act when they’re sick, but also get to know them when they win, and good things happens. Be passionately in love with all four seasons of a person’s life, or let them go, so someone else can.