Anxiously Awaiting Morning

I’m going to get really candid about my experience with anxiety in this post. Some of the things I say may be triggering. If you’re an individual who struggles with mental illness, please proceed with caution.

As I type this it’s just about three in the morning. I’ve spent the better part of my night trying to come up with ways to stop my mind from overthinking, which in turn is only adding more thoughts onto my overthinking, making me think more than I was trying to stop thinking about to begin with. Sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? It sure is.

As I lay in bed and close my eyes praying I’ll fall asleep my mind races. All of the bad thoughts, everything I want so desperately to not be thinking about show up and play loud and clear on a loop. I try music and television and talking outloud, anything to drown out the noise in my head but nothing works. Those thoughts push past the blasting music, override the television and talk louder than I can.

Today was a bad day and I have a lot on my mind so naturally my brain does what it can to make matters worse for me. The real kicker is, I could have had a picturesque day and this could still be happening.

Anxiety is bullshit because it doesn’t care what time I have to be up for work tomorrow, what event I have to go to, if everything is going well or not, if it’s a good or bad time. Anxiety is going to do its worst whenever it wants to.

Some people in my life know not to ask me why I feel anxious because they know I probably have no clue. Some may ask and I’ll politely respond “I don’t know” most of the time. Some people offer words of encouragement and others know that it won’t work so instead they say “I’m here if you need anything” or “what can I do to help?” There really isn’t a right or wrong way to deal with me when I’m like this. I still appreciate everyone who makes an effort. I know it’s difficult.

Today was a bad day and tonight isn’t looking so great either. Tomorrow, I’ll be exhausted and busy which never mixes well. But I know I’ll be okay again. I’ll feel okay again. This feeling passes; slowly, but it passes.

I didn’t decide to write this post for sympathy. I’ll be fine. But I hope that if anyone is reading this going through something similar that this is what they take away from it: you are not alone and this feeling won’t last forever. Hang on, it’s almost over.

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