The Missing Half of My Heart

The tricky thing about grief is that is makes no sense. They tell you the steps of grief and how it’s all normal but what they don’t tell you is how sometimes you’ll go through every step of grief in one hour and then repeat the process five hours later. Losing someone you love has to be the hardest part of life.

On August 23th, 2019 at 5:57pm God welcomed home my honey (a dear loved one I’ve spent more time with this past year than not). For privacy reasons, I’m just going to refer to her as “My Honey.”

It has been just over a week and already I’ve been suffocated by sadness, anger, guilt and I’m still waiting to wake up and this all just be a nightmare. An awful, awful nightmare.

I wish that I could find the motivation to write but the only thing I can manage writing about is how sad I am. Even then, my brain cannot seem to formulate sentences that are structured or sensible. Hence why this post has taken me a week to write.

Part of me doesn’t want to even acknowedge that she’s gone because that would mean accepting it and I’m simply not ready to accept it. I still strongly believe she wasn’t ready to go and that she should still be here; with me.

Anger and sadness are what take up most of my days now. If I’m not angry that she’s gone, I’m sad that she’s gone and the only time I’m not thinking about My Honey is when I’m asleep.

For awhile, I couldn’t sleep. Right before she died I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid I would wake up to bad news or that I would be asleep and would miss my opportunity to get to her if she needed me. Now, I would rather be asleep as that is the only time I can’t feel how broken my heart is.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to write more about this. Maybe I won’t. I wanted to get something out there but I’m still struggling and I can’t manage to write right now.

Cherish those you love and make sure you tell them how important they are. We never know when we will run out of time with those who matter most to us. I would give anything to sit outside with My Honey one more time and hear her laugh at one of my silly stories.

If you’re grieving, too. Feel free to reach out. Maybe we can help each other.

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