I Can’t Sleep…

If you didn’t read my previous post, I recently lost someone who meant the world to me, and I’m currently struggling my way through the grieving process. Imagine running a 5k through 4 feet of swamp water. That’s my life lately.

I’m experiencing nightmares frequently which is resulting in my inability to sleep. There are two different nightmares that I’m cycling through almost nightly. Both are paralyzing and start my day off terribly.

The first nightmare that I’m having is where I’m laying in bed and it’s very similar to what I’ve heard sleep paralysis is, except I can’t see anything in the room but myself. In the dream I cannot open my eyes or my mouth (yet I’m seeing myself), yet I’m screaming out for help. Or at least trying to. This goes on for what seems like forever. My heart rate increases and my head starts turning back and forth and this goes on until I wake up. When I wake up my heart rate in increased, my jaw hurts from what I’m assuming is me grinding my teeth or clenching my jaw but everything else is in place. I also sleep with my dog and she never seems phased. So, it’s unclear what I’m physically doing during this time.

The second dream is where I’m being blamed for the death of the loved one I recently lost. The dream typically starts off normally but results in someone looking at me and saying “you’re the reason ___ is dead. You did this. It’s all your fault!” The person saying that is usually someone important to me (like my family, my best friend and one time even my boss). Then when I wake up, I’m sweating, crying and panicked and it takes me at least ten minutes to calm myself down.

It truthfully is terrible. I hate not being able to sleep soundly. It’s effecting my daily activities as well. I’m trying to get better sleep but no matter what I try, these nightmares are not subsiding. Almost to the point I’m terrified to go to sleep because I know what’s going to happen.

Here’s to hoping tonight goes better.

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