Some may call this post petty. I’ll call it “consistency.” For anyone who is confused or has something to say about the decisions I’ve made. Here is the consistent reality.
Have you ever had a “thank God I dodged that bullet” moment? A time when you’re grateful you didn’t get what you THOUGHT you deserved? I know I have.
In May of 2019 I started dating this guy who I thought was going to be the one. I thought that because he fed me tales of a perfect life that he was the one for me. I thought he was a good man. I thought he would be there for me when I needed him most. I was wrong.
I hadn’t quite turned 22 at the start of our relationship and I’ll admit, I’m still figuring out what I want my timeline to look like. I know what I want out of life, I’m just not sure when I was to get married and start my family. That ended up being a huge issue, an issue that opened my eyes and forced me to see that the man standing in front of me was a fake. It’s easy to talk up how amazing of a person you are but it’s a lot harder to put those words into action.
Everything started to become too real for me. He was talking about moving in, getting married and starting a family so soon. I thought that I was okay with that. I wasn’t. The more I thought about it and the flood of realization that I could be a mom in a year made me realize I’m not ready for all of that. Especially with someone I had only known existed for two and a half months. I decided to tell him how I was feeling. I let him know that I wanted to be with him but I also needed things to go slower. I’m 22, I’m still in school, I cannot take care of myself; I don’t want to take on the responsibly of “wife” and “mother” when I’m barely capable of being responsible for “Rosalie.”
The day we were supposed to talk about things someone who I loved very dearly became incredible ill and I knew the end was near for her. I’ve written a few blog posts about her, since this time as well. I was trying to focus on here as I knew this loss was going to tear me apart. He insisted we talk that night. So late that Monday night, I laid it all out in the open for him. I APOLOGIZED for at one point thinking I would be ready to move in and get married quickly. I owned the fact that the more I thought about everything and talked it over with trusted family, friends and a counselor, I came to realize I wasn’t ready for all of that. He was hurt. I acknowledged that. I understood that. I told him that if he couldn’t wait for me to be ready, I would understand if he wanted to end our relationship. He left that day with a half assed kiss and no “I love you.” I was emotionally and mentally drained from that day. From seeing someone I loved with me entire heart incredibly ill to having this conversation and being up from 6:00am until when he left after 10:30pm. I texted him telling him I was about to fall asleep because my eyes were closing but that I wanted him to text me when he was home safe. Like he always did. I woke up the next morning to no text message from him.
The next day was a Tuesday which was the day my loved one was admitted to the hospital and talks of Hospice were on the table. I was crushed. My world was collapsing. I needed my ex-boyfriend, where was he? Not texting me because he was upset. Fine, he can be upset but I needed to focus less on him and more on my loved one who was experiencing her last days. I needed to focus on family. I needed to be present for what matter more to me at the time. He needed to do what he needed to do but I also needed to do what I needed to do.
On Wednesday (day two at the hospital and day two of little to no sleep) I got a text message basically telling me I was wrong and needed to think more about what I wanted. Even though I had told him that’s what I already did, think about what I wanted, and I told him my decision. He just didn’t want to accept it. He wanted to make it sound like I initially told him I was ready to get married just because and was lying. Truthfully, the night I told him that was my birthday night and I was doing a lot of drinking that night. At the time I did think that I was ready. Hell, if you had asked me to go skydiving I would have felt prepared to that as well. But according to my ex-boyfriend “blaming drinking is a weak man’s excuse.” Well, I guess I’m weak then. I wasn’t lying when I said everything to him. Just the more I thought about it over the course of the week and a half after that, I realized I actually didn’t want what I thought I did. I was wrong. Just like I was wrong thinking that during a time when my world was collapsing that he would be there for me.
Thursday, I was mentally in a terrible place. This was day three in the hospital and day three of little to no sleep, no self-care, no emotional or mental energy, no physical energy, a broken heart and I was running on coffee and no solid meals. I had nothing to give to him. My cup was empty. I expressed that to him and all I got was a “let me know if you need anything” followed up by stupid stories about subs and coffees. He knew I was struggling. He knew I was in the hospital. He had off all day Thursday, not once did he ask if I needed him. Not once did he ask to see me or if he could bring me lunch at the hospital. Nothing. Radio silence. There was no follow up, no questions of how I was holding up, I had complete strangers show more compassion for me during this time than he did. And he wanted me to marry him? Yeah right.
On Friday, my absolute favorite humanoid passed away. I was devastated. My heart was shattered. I didn’t think I’d be able to pull myself together. His response when I told him she died was “that sucks.” That sucks. No, he dying didn’t suck, it ruined me. What sucked was the fact that he was about to be newly single.
He argued with me. Even when I told him I had no emotional energy. He blamed me for everything. Told me I should have asked him to care. Told me it was my fault he wasn’t there for me. Told me that if I wanted him to check up on me I should have asked him to. Can you imagine? Texting someone you’re supposedly going to spend the rest of your life and asking them to be a decent person? Asking them to even pretend they care? How wild. I was in no way, shape or form going to stay with someone who was so bitter I didn’t want to get married and have a baby within this next year that he couldn’t even be bothered to send an “I love you” text KNOWING I wasn’t okay. KNOWING I was defeated. KNOWING I had lost the one person in my life that kept me going.
I wanted to wash my hands of him, and I have. But apparently he hasn’t done the same. He’s still trying to defend himself to me which is the reason for this post. In August of 2019 I wrote a post where I called him a good man and said he would be there for me when I couldn’t be there for myself. I was wrong. He didn’t hold true to that at all. When I needed him the most, he couldn’t be bothered, all because he was angry and incapable of listening to me when I told him how I felt. He was too busy, in my opinion, throwing an adult tantrum. He told me that everything was fine. He acted differently. He could never keep his word and his actions consistent. I deleted the paragraph I wrote about him from that blog.
He reached out because I spoke of him in one of my blogs titled “Negatively Questioning Positive Goals.” Despite me writing in the post “…I’m sure that, like my ex-boyfriend, not everybody who asks the question of “why” is trying to put the other person down…” He still felt the need to defend himself. His arguments were invalid. I ignored him. He felt the need to reach out to me, again (Mariah Carey — Obsessed …just sayin’), to accuse me of being inconsistent. So that’s why I’m here. So that no one has this false idea in their heads that my ex-boyfriend was a good boyfriend. He pretended to be, but when it came down to it, he fell short. And that’s the honest and consistent truth.