Tomorrow I’m meeting one of my childhood hero’s. I won’t tell you who because that will be for a blog post at a later date but believe me, it’s a good one. I was asked if I’m excited about meeting this person and my response was simply “no” and I meant that.
Am I actually excited? I should be. I know that I definitely would be if I didn’t have an anxiety disorder, it’s just right now I’m not. Right now I’m worried about the fact I have to take a midterm tonight and I’ll be up late so I won’t sleep well and I have to work all day tomorrow and then I have to rush to pick up my best friend and then rush an hour and a half away and pay for parking — breath. I’m not sure if you were breaking during that sentence, all I know is I sure wasn’t.
Basically, I can’t feel excitement or happiness about this spectacular event that I’ll be talking about for the rest of my life because I’m too worried about everything that’s going to happen between now and then. I’m worried I’ll oversleep and I won’t have time to shower so I won’t look nice. I’m worried that I’ll get out of work late. I’m worried there will be a car accident on the commute making me late and causing me to miss the event. I’m worried there won’t be parking. I’m worried I’ll wake up deathly ill tomorrow and won’t be able to go.
I should be excited. I would be excited. I want to be excited. I’m just not. I probably won’t be excited until after the event happens. I’ll be high stressed the entire time until I get there, then once I’m there I’ll try to relax but won’t be able to. By this weekend I should be able to fully process my excitement.
Isn’t it grand? To not be able to enjoy a moment until it passes because of a disorder? Does anyone else experience this? Does anyone have any tips on how to attempt to enjoy the moment better? I’ll really try almost anything.