I’m Always “Fine”

A month and a half ago I lost My Honey. Since, I’ve been fine but I haven’t been okay. I got asked for the first couple of days, maybe up to two weeks how I was. At first, it was normal to say “I’m not okay” but after awhile you’re expected to just “move on.” After awhile, people stop asking.

Truthfully, I’m not okay but I keep saying “I’m fine” because that’s what I’m supposed to say. Right? It’s been almost two months. I should be okay. I should laugh when someone says something funny. I should smile when someone says “hello.” I should want to go out with my friends. I should be sleeping normally, eating normally and moving on with my life. And I am. But I’m still not okay.

I still cry every day, I’m even crying writing this because I’m thinking of My Honey. I still get flashbacks of the last time I saw her. I still remember the last time I held her hand, right before she died, how it was lifeless and cold. I still remember the last thing she said to me. I think about her every day, multiple times a day. And those thoughts make me sad and angry.

I’m sad because I miss her, because my heart is lost without her, because she should still be here. I’m angry because I blame myself. I blame the nurses. I blame the doctors. But I’m expected to have moved past that. So I pretend that I have.

I pretend that I don’t still wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if her death was just a cruel nightmare. I pretend that I’m not forgetting to eat for a day or two at a time. I pretend that I find things funny when sometimes, I truly don’t feel like laughing. I pretend I want to go to school and go to work and see my friends. I pretend like I’m fine but I most certainly am not.

I’ve talked to counselor who try helping me but all they’re telling me sounds a lot like me forgetting my loved one and I won’t do that. I won’t forget a single detail. I promised her I wouldn’t.

Some say I’m still grieving. I’m starting to think this feeling with never pass. I’m starting to think that a piece of my heart went up to heaven with her and that I won’t get that piece back until I see her again.

I’ve had days where I genuinely am enjoying my life but most of the time I’m still just pretending. Pretending until the day I may not have to pretend anymore.

Please check up on your friends, even if things seem to be going well, even if you don’t see anything wrong. Truly check up on your friends because often times, those we love, suffer in silence. Fearful of being a burden or causing others unneeded grief. Make sure they’re okay. We’re all struggling and sometimes we just need to know someone cares.

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