GUEST POST: This Is Halloween: 6 Problems Worth Causing

Back in the good old days — when men wore dresses and Jesus hadn’t quite caught on yet — Halloween was the day that Irish people would offer supper to faeries and ask them to play nice. They called it Samhain, and it probably wasn’t anywhere near as exciting as you might think.

Fortunately, humans have a bent toward the bastardization of traditions, so things have changed a fair bit since then. Depending on who you ask, Halloween might be a costume party, a movie marathon, or an extravagant fireworks display. It is, essentially, whatever you want it to be, so long as it’s dark and spooky.

With that in mind, here are a few grown-up ideas to help you get into the right kind of trouble.

1. Drink Way Too Much
When you’re a little too old to get excited about a pillowcase full of mini-Twix and Smarties, you’re probably juuust old enough to get blackout drunk and turn Halloween into a truly harrowing adventure. The less you remember, the more fun you probably had, so bottom’s up!

2. Set Something On Fire
When alcohol poisoning isn’t enough to sate your appetite for miscreant behavior, a little pyromania goes a long way. Buy the most expensive fireworks you can get your hands on (more money = bigger boom) and set them off in suburban neighborhoods. This is more fun with friends — aim for the eyes!

3. Terrorize Children
Most kids are in it for the candy, but you can give them a night they’ll never forget by reminding them of the true spirit of the occasion, as well as the ones in their closet. Jump scares and rubber spiders are old hat, so break out the Ouija board if you really want those little shits to wrestle with demons for the rest of their lives.

4. Summon a Demon
Demons aren’t just fun for kids, so why not make a lasting connection this All Hallow’s Eve with a real Prince of Hell? You might be thinking, Gosh, Christoph, I wouldn’t even know where to begin — but worry not, it’s super easy! There are instructions available online for summoning demons of all sorts, and luckily, the most fun ones are also the most likely to show up. Personally, I can’t recommend Vine highly enough, and Lilith is always a good time.

5. Sex Can Be Scary
If you’re on the market for genuine thrills and chills, there’s no nightmare more real than having unprotected sex with a stranger at a Halloween party. There are many great and easy ways to pick up STDs, but when everyone’s wearing a mask you’ll have no idea where that burning sensation came from, adding a layer of mystery. Spooky!

6. Hide Until Dawn
If absolutely none of this shit is of any interest to you, Halloween is probably a date you should skip. Invite the other losers in your neighborhood over for a game of D&D or Magic: The Gathering, and play it safely in a concrete basement. It’s a good way to not only skip Halloween, but the best years of your life.

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