I have sat down and attempted to write at least a dozen times. I’ve failed each time. I try so hard to do things that don’t remind me of the pandemic we’re all living through. I’m a healthcare worker through this COVID-19 crisis so I see enough. When I go home I try watching television, I try reading books or blogs, I try listening to music and dancing. I’ve even went as far as trying to make dance videos on TikTok and let me tell you, I’m glad I’m not a teenager in the TikTok era — I would not have been the cool girl that went viral.
Then, I decide that I want to write. I have to keep up my posts on the blog or people stop reading (and I get that) but I sit down to write and it all seems so trivial. How can I write about self-care and tell other people what best practices are out there for mental health and I’m in the middle of the worst mental health streak I’ve been on in years? How do I write about what’s going on in my life when I’m seeing tons of people lose their lives every day? So, instead of writing I close my laptop and before I knew it, it’s been two months since I’ve posted on here. My blog has completely lost it’s traffic and I could just try promoting old posts; however, that would require me to have the energy to even Retweet something in Twitter. Surprisingly I can’t bring myself to do that either.
This post sounds like I’m whining, because I am. I’m not apologizing for it either. I’ll come around to having something other than this to talk about but as for now, my life has become engulfed in this crisis — as I’m sure most people’s has. There will come a day when I find joy in the things I love doing again. I know that day will come.
Right now I’m grateful to have this platform to speak my truth. A platform of amazing humans who understand that mental health is messy and who forgive me when I’m absent. It truly is okay to admit that you’re not okay; and I’m not okay. I’m not okay but I will be. We might all not be okay but we will be.
Let’s keep fighting. It can’t last forever.